“Seventy percent of divorcees think they made a mistake two years later.”

That statement practically shouts at me. That says to me that things could really…suck. And they could suck for a long time. I think the principal behind this is that things will get better. It will not always be roses and sunshine and butterflies. Sometimes you just have to wait it out and endure those hard time in order to get to the good ones. 

I have a cousin who was left orphaned at the age of two as a result of a car accident. The little girl, Rachel, was taken in by her grandmother. The grandmother was an alcoholic and was unable to take care of her, and so Rachel was locked up into a closet, and was only given Pepsi and French fries to eat for two years. We know that a human need is contact and belonging, and Rachel received no form of that for two years. Rachel is now is her 40’s and she is very likable, outgoing, intelligent, fit and beautiful with the prettiest tan skin I have even see. Many have inferred that the reason she has never been married is because there was a human connection she did not receive at that young stage in her life. Even though she was adopted by my aunt and uncle into a home that was aware of child development and her situation, that was not enough to make up for the time that was lost. Rachel’s adopted brother Jeff was taken into their home when he was two months old, and even at his young age, he came with many scars. All he had known in his two months of life was abuse and neglect, and so when my aunt adopted him, she found immediately that he didn’t like people. He would not let anyone hold him, soothe him or even feed him. He refused to eat if someone was holding him. The only way he would eat was if he was laying down by himself with the bottle propped up for him to drink out of.  In his adult life, Jeff has been unable to keep a marriage for too long, and has found it difficult to trust in other people and stay off of drugs for periods of time. Human contact is very important, and a lack of it cannot be made up in any other way. I believe that the most vital time to make these connections is in the first few years of life, and without this foundation, you cannot make those connections easily later in life.

Family finances seems to be a terribly painful topic for couples and families. It’s probably one of the biggest sources of disagreement that I know of. In my opinion, in order to manage money in a way that is feasible for the whole family, you simply need to have these four things in sync with each other:

·      Responsibility

·      Maturity

·      Priorities

·      Goals

So many people preparing to be married are much more worried about their guest list than how full the dish washer needs to be before you can justify starting it, or how much of their pay check will be going towards entertainment. That might sound silly, but there is a lot of truth in the principal that often the small things are most often the deal breakers. 

In order for us to have successful relationships, it is important that we practice effective communication. One of the biggest problems in communication that people face is the hurdle of not wanting to listen; they want to be right and they want to prove the other person wrong. You must look carefully at your intentions: are you attacking by blaming or are you honestly trying explain your side but also see their side as well? Studies tell us that they best way to get a point across is not to throw it in the other persons face and tell that that their view is wrong. But it is to first allow them to explain what they are feeling, and then make them feel like you understand their point of view. That opens up a “safe zone” mood; they feel like they are being validated. If they truly feel that you understand their thinking, they are much more likely to in turn, listen to you. Many times you must be the one to initiate the maturity. When we are engaged in a disagreement that we are passionate about, our heart rates go up. And we know that when it gets to be over 110 beats per minutes, we are physiologically incapable of letting another person influence us (Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman, PhD). Therefore, I think I can safely conclude that those heated arguments serve absolutely no purpose. So the key to effective communication in many cases is validation; you need to make sure the other person feels a basic acceptance, initiated by you. 

When I think of a crisis, my mother as an eight year old comes to mind. She was woken up in the middle of the night by her mother to be told that her father had just died in a car accident. Just two days later their horse fell and was hurt, and had to be shot. And then two days after that my mother’s bother ran her over with a tractor and hospitalized her for three months.

This is what I would call a crisis on one account, but on another, a blessing. During this time, many things were taken away from them and that was a tragedy, they had no way to pay their bills and support children in their school, but now the house was void on an abusive father. I would categorize my mother’s family as resilient; meaning that they found a way to thrive despite the challenge laid before them. Thinking about who my mom is and about what we talked about in class involving those who are abused, I made a connection I have never made before. Those who have been abused tend to have a decreased sense of self-esteem, confidence and have trouble trusting the world. My whole life my mom has exhibited all these characteristics; she has never really had any friends and she continually talks badly about herself and her attractiveness and abilities. It has been amazing to analyze these behaviors and put a cause to the effect.

I know of so many people that are no longer married as a result of infidelity. My neighbor down the street, a mother in my ward, my dad’s boss and even some family members are all included in these. The lead into fidelity can be so subtle that you don’t recognize what it is until you are there. This can be likened unto the analogy of putting a fog into a pot of boiling water. If you do, he will jump out. But if you put a frog into a pot of warm water and slowly increase the temperature, the change will be so subtle, that the fog will be comfortable and will eventually be boiled to death. To someone who is faithful to their spouse, Satan knows that he cannot simply wave a good looking person in front of them and jump right into infidelity. Instead he starts small with small talk and then continues into spending time together and sharing interests, hopes and dreams for the future. Coincidently, that is the same process in which people fall in love; they spend time together and create by simply talking; sharing things with each other. Bonds are then created where they shouldn’t be, and you have unintentionally invited infidelity into your marriage. 

We talked briefly about postpartum depression, and I was interested in learning more about it and the effects it has on marriage. This is what I found:

Many times, the husbands of women with postpartum depression find that they cannot console their wives distress, and then as a result of that, they themselves become distressed. They begin to feel worthless that they cannot contribute because he is unable to satisfy her needs, no matter how understanding he is. The wives become angry with their husbands, and the marital dissolution begins. At some point during the depression period, many women express that they thought their marriage was over; but once the depression was addressed, the cause became apparent. Decisions about divorce should not be addressed during this period because many times it is the illness talking. Many report that their relationships with their spouses have been strengthened because of this trial. 

In class we spoke about the different “Mate selection models,” which includes “hanging out,” “make out, drop out,” “date ‘em till you hate ‘em,” and “dating and courtship.” This process is how we get to know each other; it allows us to see each other from different angles when we date in a variety in situations. In my opinion, the best mate selection process is to first become friends. Since Elder Hafen states this truth better that I could, I will let him:

“Be friends first and sweethearts second. Relationships between young men and young women should be built like a pyramid. The base of the pyramid is friendship. And the ascending layers are built of things like time, understanding, respect, and restraint. Right at the top of the pyramid is a glittering little mystery called romance. And when weary travelers in the desert see that glitter on top of the pyramid from far off, they don't see what underlies the jewel to give it such prominence and hold it so high. Now, you don't have to be very smart to know that a pyramid won't stand up very long if you stand it on its point instead of its base. In other words, be friends first and sweethearts later, not the other way around. Otherwise, people who think they are sweethearts may discover they can't be very good friends, and by then it may be too late.” (Bruce C Hafen, 28 Sept 1982)

Many wonder what the advantages and disadvantages are to supporting gender differences. The only disadvantage that I can think of would be if people do not fulfill their responsibilities or take them to the extreme. Otherwise, Heavenly Father has designed a wonderful plan that is designed to make us happy; and therefore is innately good. Supporting gender differences is a cause for empowerment: fulfilling the measure of our creation is designed to give us a sense of accomplishment, as it has many benefits to the family. Children will be watched over, guidelines will be enforced, and there will be less sex and drugs and more accomplishment in school. Mothers will be around to teach their children, and invite a spirit of harmony into the home. Father and mother’s unique roles when played out appropriately, complement each other, and contributes to a close and intimate relationship. A man who holds the priesthood does not have an advantage over a woman in the celestial kingdom or in qualifying for exaltation. Because women have other attributes that men don’t that come naturally, the roles of the two are balanced out to produce two people who compliment each other. These attributes are refined as woman and men go through marriage and parenthood. It’s also good to realize that although these womanly attributes are natural because of our divine nature, we are not expected to be perfect with them. We have marriage and motherhood to more fully cultivate and develop them. He gives us the desires and yearning for them, and then watches as he sees what we do with them; whether it is to develop them further or hide them under a bushel. 

 “All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” -The Family: A Proclamation to the World

By stating that gender is eternal suggests that gender is truth; our gender is the same as it was in the premortal life, as it is currently, and as it will be in the future. Gender being an aspect of eternal identity, each individual has unique divine nature and destiny. This means that males and females have different natures, and that these things were in place before we came to this earth.

Culture is our patterns of behavior; it is the attitudes and products of what we do. Many people believe that their culture is no different from the person next door who is also white and celebrates Thanksgiving and Christmas. But we are all different and have different opinions and philosophies. No two of us are the same. Despite our individual cultures, there are many things that Heavenly Father wants us to keep in our culture, in order to integrate His culture into our families. This is my list of things I believe that may be on that list.

·         Culture of faith

·         Culture of learning

·         Culture of temple attendance

·         Culture of forgiveness

·         Culture of repentance

·         Culture of family time

·         Culture of unity

·         Culture of work

·         Culture of prayer

·         Culture of charity

·         Culture of communication

·         Culture of obedience

·         Culture of peace

·         Culture of gratitude

·         Culture of happiness

·         Culture of inspiration

·         Culture of music

·         Culture of uplifting activities

I very much realize that those bullet points are the basics of the gospel that are taught over and over again at church. But that is Heavenly Father’s culture. The church is a culture.

I would like to hypothesize that those culture differences that are not part of our Heavenly Father’s culture do not matter in terms of eternal perspective.